The Book of Guy

Screwed Night

2011-11-11T01:55:00.000-08:00

So tonight I kind of got drunk. Then I kind of answered the phone. Usually, this is not a problem. However, tonight I sort of answered and it was Emily.

Just to keep those in the know happy and those who are uninformed actually informed, Emily is the end all/be all exgirlfriend. All us guys have them. I just had not heard from her in many months and figured I was safe from that random call. Turns out I was not at all safe.

So I lied my ass off to her. Told her stories of me being married, then annulled, then sad and single again. Why? I don't fucking know. God help me, I would have been so better off If I'd never met her!

It's Back!

2011-11-03T20:32:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm going to start blogging again. I don't know how frequently (more than once a year, Joseph, PLEASE!). Also, feel free to click on an advertisement over here ------->
(so I can make a penny or two off this) THANKS!

Being already sick of any Kardashian, the Kim divorce hit me pretty hard. Not only do we now have to put up with stories of her split, chances are pretty good that those stories will be around a lot longer than her actual 72 day marriage. Sweet Christ, even Britney has a better track record. Now every time I go to 7-11 and get to the counter, I have to look at all those magazines with "poor" Kim Kardashian on the cover. If I have to look at some rich girl who became famous for having sex on camera, I'd honestly rather just see an actual porn star. At least they have more integrity than a Kardashian.

NEWS ALERT: It seems that Thursday night television is way better than the programming for the rest of the week! Comments?

My friend, Alexis, just got an internship with the CDC in Atlanta. I hope the next time she visits us back on the correct coast, she doesn't bring a load of mad cow or small pox. Congratulations, my dear friend! You now have to shower in bleach before ever entering my apartment again. Seriously, she's got bigger balls than most dudes I know for taking that (OK, I'll mention it, PAID) internship. Your PHD is just around the corner! I will miss our late night drinking sessions where she ended up scaring me so badly about viruses that I taped plastic over my bedroom window.

And for those of you not living right by da beach (boyyy, lordave mercy), it rained here, but it was more like a heavy mist. Sigh, just like summer in Monterey again! The hell with it, though, it's always sunny and 75 degrees to me.

AWESOME PAGE TITLE

2009-11-13T03:31:00.000-08:00

I would like to thank my brother, Tyler, for designing my new awesome logo for "The Book of Guy." It is clearly professional, amazing, and way better than I would have thought to create. Clearly, the gene pool has seen fit to give him superior computer image creating powers. As you can see above, the logo is fit for a way more professional site than mine, but he saw to it that it was made and delivered to me so that I could post it on my blog and seem somewhat professional myself.

Thanks, Tyler, this logo is clearly the absolute shit!!! I can only hope that I can do something for you that is as completely awesome as this!!!

Immaturity at its finest...

2008-03-15T04:34:00.000-07:00

I am a red blooded American male. Lately, I have found myself acting in such a way that this fact is readily apparent. See, us red blooded American males get a bad rap. I can see why, really, as typical American male behavior is just a little this side of pure raunchiness. I am able to hide the stupid comments and actions to some extent, however, sometimes it comes out.

If you happen to be of the female persuasion, I apologize for the following.

Just yesterday I found myself referring to a woman I know as "Betty Big Bags." Now, the woman in question does have an, uh, ample chest region. But is that any reason to use her natural gift as a smart-ass nick name? Of course not! After some internal deliberation, I decided that "Big Boobs McGee" was way better. Still not good enough for polite conversation, but then, most of my conversations are impolite.

Another strange phenomenon among us red blooded American males seems to be shit talking. Now, I'm not talking about where you go up to your BFF and whisper gossip about someone else who happened to perform certain carnal acts on her boy toy while he was driving along I-5. I'm talking about the pure, unadulterated profanity that comes out face to face. It can be over the stupidest stuff, too. "You panty-waist bitch motherfucker! You can't even aim! Give me the controller or I'm gonna screw your mom!" Something very close to this was said to me while I was attempting (badly) to play a video game at a friend's house. My response was something akin to "I hope you slip in shit and fall in it!" We love degrading each other. On the whole, it seems to be all in good fun. I would love to find that there was some scientist hiding out and doing research on this. Day 73: It would appear that the openly hostile vocalizations are simply a way of communicating friendship. However, when the pack meets a competing group and such vocalizations are used, especially in the local tavern, violence usually ensues.

Alcohol seems to bring this side of men out even more. Now, it would seem that I have some sort of safety mechanism in my brain that says "Shut up and don't move around a lot! You don't want to look like even more of a retard!" Unfortunately, I've only listened to it a few times and on those rare occasions I have regretted it. Still, it's there. Too bad it didn't keep me from putting my arm around that girl at the bar and getting hit by her gorilla of a boyfriend. Alcohol is dangerous! It seems to shut that little safety voice off. Is it a good idea to whip it out and put it on the counter at a house party? No way! But get too much alcohol in the system and suddenly it seems like everybody wants to see my weiner. Notice I said "seems." I'm sure there are one or two curious women out there, but they never seem to go to the same parties as me. The same goes for getting a white t-shirt and writing "I have a big dick and I fuck like a porn star" on it with a permanent marker. It seems like a good ice breaker, but it's really not. It's more likely to get you dirty looks and possibly removed from drinking establishments.

The libido factor is another thing. While in the teenage years, most red blooded American males are walking hard-on's. It's like a continuous erection that lasts for about six years. It may go down with age and maturity, but the thoughts behind it are always there. If you are female, moderately attractive, and within my visual range, I have most likely thought about what you look like naked. I'M SORRY! THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS! If you are more than moderately attractive, I would like to apologize for my vivid and overactive imagination. It's not really a voluntary thing, it just pops into my head uninvited. If I see a good looking woman jogging my reaction is to look. I can choose to not look, but then I end up straining my eyes and neck. It's like I see it, I look, and I say "That's nice." What amazes me is how well we are able to hide this. I know a lot of dudes who are way, way worse than I am. Yet, aside from the occasional slap in the face (while alcohol is involved), we get away with it.

In conclusion, I would like to say "shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, fart, turd, and twat" (actually the lyrics for a song on Blink 182's "Mark, Tom, and Travis Show" album).